ardent passage: august is my poetry month

The author wishes to start a personal tradition, month long and occurring every August annually. It will be called Ardent Passage.

Ardent Passage celebrates the author’s competence to write poetry, whatever poetry and competence are. Lol. =)

For now he would collect his previous poems he published online and he would try to update his blog (Argunn) during the month of stuff he thought poetic.

So what is the purpose of this tradition? The most obvious is to force him to write more poems. Hehehe.

Other reason is to enrich the universe and mankind with things that inspires him, to harness his aspirations, feelings, defeats, triumphs and thoughts. Parang sagot lang sa beauty contest no?

But any rate the author will still blog and keep it up to date with latest musings and weird stuff that comes his way.

Oh by the way, I’m also declaring September as Love Letter Month but I have no title for it yet. Maybe I’ll nick it Bad Loveletters Transit.

If you will notice, August is the month when man first struck himself with atom bomb. (I know there were a lot of important events that happened in the other eleven months, but I have affectations for war and conflicts. I always believe that the best poets and writers experience the toughest of times.) All emotions and virtues are engaged when men are at matters of life and death, and war being the ultimate of these matters: hope, courage, faith, and of course love are put to the test of distance, and time.

September had the day when two skyscrapers collapsed. Ala lang, emo kasi ako. I think a lot of love was poured in month of September, think of the songs Tonight by FM Static and September (Wake Me Up) by Green Day.

As my parting words, let me recall an old line I used in my defunt blog, the instant pancit canton life.

Sometimes I dream of living forever
And that the universe was for me.

..paradise calling

I woke up this morning and greeted a few friends via sms.

I’ve typed, magandang umaga <insert name here>, another week, another try in paradise. Hahaha ma-emo na lunes.

With that sent to a few people, I readied myself going to my work.

A fair day today huh, I told myself, the moment I stepped out of the building apartment.

That same time, I saw a gay man, prolly around 6 feet tall, quite an atlethic frame most masculine PLUs would love to have as their own body, with long blond hair which requires much attention. I should’ve known it requires attention; by popular demand or by popular expectations of the society for a gay guy like me. Hair of homosexual, especially with effeminate penchant should be kept gorgeous always.

He was dressed in fitting pants running down just below his knees and topped with a girly sando. I’m not really aware what the proper names of those pieces of clothing are, but they all look worn to me. He has legs which needed much shaving. I was literally searching for more improvement for him fashion wise.

Trailing behind him, I was not really in a hurry, and I’m not really interested with him but what caught my fascination were the remarks made by the four old women approaching opposite our direction.

“Hindi natural..” The old woman in black dress stated, the very second they were side by side with the gay man on the street.

“Iba na talaga ang mundo ngayon. Hindi naman ganyan nilikha ng…”

The tone of their voices, the glare of their eyes… argghh!!

I didn’t really try to listen to those women. It was such a sad circumstance for a Monday morning.

After passing several meters away, the gay man look back behind him, it was actually a quick glance after the women who have had just blatantly exposed their prejudices and literally harassed him-and in behalf of people with alternative lifestyle.

Flipping his hair, then he strutted forward; in a natural flair that usddenly erased everyhting I thought about the enhancement to be done base on my popular definition for beauty. The steps he made are like fine stroll in this place we falter to remember and call paradise.

The gay man stopped in front of a mini-restaurant and brought in the heavy plastic bag full of puto, he was carrying in his strong arms.

Mandaluyong City|27 July 2009

you become someone else

I saw coffee stains on my heart, and the soul that took the sip watched the afternoon vanished into a beautiful evening without you.

Earlier, just before the sun settled into the bosom of the bay, I accompanied the clouds, together we wasted time, sketched the memories in the sky. You see, I was wondering about you.

But then, who are you?

the world after shakespeare

It is a familiar adventure whose appeal I thought was lost a long time ago. Finding a new partner is another. Reminding me of my g4m and downelink heydays.

Saturday, three days after my account was created, I put up a face and responded positively to two guys who had places where we can fuck our heads out. I waited and it felt like I was under a Siberian blizzard, though I’ve never been under any Siberian storm.

Nothing came. No messages on my phone. So much for nothing. Ha ha ha.

And also if not for the rain and the different parties I attended last weekend, I might find myself laid. My hormones are quite high, raging in fact. ONS or SEB could easily calm it.

But good luck and my sanity too is keeping my sexual instinct at bay. Albeit I did able to send out my number to several people as if it was up for grabs.*

Sex is the key intention why I created the account. If you think it’s a bad idea, I dunno, I have no judgment when it comes to it, call me liberated or whatever but it is a biological reality that gives me pleasure. Please drop your romantic notion of sex.

What is apparent, it so easy to trade flesh and sexually transmitted diseases.

My other intention though it really sounds cheesy..eeeh, to find a boyfriend. Haha now that is really a baaad idea. Lol. =)

Being there writing profiles and showing skin is a breeze, everything could appeal to the senses, from groin to so called-head but nothing and nothing could really be known.

In sites like this, we all easily fade away, we are like fireworks in the sky, we spark—but with no practical purpose to one another except fornication and admiration.

For now there are two things I want to remind everyone I might encounter: I am no good “bedwise,” so I asked them to drop the notion whether I fuck well or I am a good fuck.

Next is, clarifying to anyone who find me interesting that they never to think of me as a good boyfriend material yet. I got my advantages and disadvantages.

If I get to know someone new, or someone new get to know me, a little better beyond the borders of the said virtual place, I hope we could be good friends. No expectations. Just friends. Who knows what might come next di ba? No one.

(I am also telling these reminders to myself. Not to anticipate too much of anything. Just let things flow.) 

A man could kill
And steal
With the sweetest thing

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which kinda the same

I’m so glad you see crushed
My car gone insane
And it felt so good
I wanna do it again

-Buses and Trains/Bachelor Girl

I maybe in a place of collection of all sorts, and yes it is very efficient in finding hook ups, or love for that matter…

…but real life places like malls & schools, and virtual areas like blogs & social networking sites, well, they are also efficient in finding hook ups and again, love for that matter. So what’s the difference?

*I had have accepted invites to get laid this coming weekends, I gave my numbers to guys I want to have fun with..but then something came up.

Last a night, a question I asked a friend that I should be asking myself: Are you taking anti-depressant?

My friend remarked NO, but also informed me, however, he was canvassing the other day.

Sober, that was my reaction. But I didn’t express my soberness, I told him, he is my friend and all I can do is listen.

He assured me he is manageable. I believed him.

The soberness I felt, led me to question my own intent too.. you see, when I was creating my planet romeo account, gusto kong magwala. I am not surprised by my own answer, sex might be a pill that I was canvassing for. In the end, the fun would turn to useless memories. That one I can’t allowed to happen.

Anyway I am perfectly fine and sane.

I wish my friend &I more luck and sanity.

living on your shoes

One Saturday morning, while Michael Jackson’s passing intoxicates the whole world still, I woke up to my housemates watching a movie titled, Soul Man.

At first I thought it was a documentary about the King of Pop, but it turned out it was a 1986 romantic comedy film about a well-pampered Caucasian young man, named Mark, who learned that his father won’t support him thru his Harvard schooling anymore. So he decided to usurp the last slot for a scholarship exclusive for black students. He gobbled up tanning pills, darkening his skin tone. And the plan was all set together with his half-idiot best friend.

It was a hilarious film, too indulgent with goodie conversation, the punch lines are not as witty and sarcastic that is common in today’s entertainment, but it delivers pure fun and smart.

The focus of this blog entry is about the chat Mark and his professor as the movie coming to a close.
 
Mark, apologetic for his fraud—by usurping the scholarship, he displaced Sarah, the original student recipient off the list, forcing her to support herself and her little son while schooling—sold everything he owns to pay for the semester he took away from Sarah, he compromised to devout a percentage of his annual income once he graduated to the scholarship foundation, and he promised to do charity work.

The professor noted that Mark, however learned something his professor couldn’t teach, what it likes to be black and how it feels to be an outcast in society where one skin tone is dominant over others.

The professor commended Mark for what he experienced or what he understood.

Mark paused, looked into his professor and remarked that he wasn’t really sure if he understood what it means to be black guy. Because unlike real black people, he had an option that any moment he could always go back where he came from—that is to be a white man again.

project envision

Ang Overhaul MegaProject, na nakadisenyo para i-reverse ang aking pagkabaon sa utang at para i-manage and aking finances ay masasabi ko na satisfactory ang naging result.

Tumakbo ang proyektong ito ng February 2009 hanggang katapusan ng May 2009. Isa sa naisakatuparan nito ay natigil na ako sa kakapeste sa aking dalawang kaibigan na babae na tuwing in between paydays, ay nangungutang ako sa kanila ng either five hundred or isang libo.

Kasali din sa aking na-achieve ay ang pagbabayad ng aking credit cards bills, BDO and HSBC, sa pamamagitan ng pagkuha ng salary loans sa HSBC.

Wala na akong utang sa credit cards as of now. At kahit binuhay ko muli ang HSBC ko (ang BDO tinuluyan ko ng tapusin), 0 balance pa din ako.

In summary, ang mga sumusunod ang aking official list ng kautangan, in amount paid monthly, name of institution at saka end of term ng payment respectively:

P3000 - Chinatrust – October 2011

P4000 – HSBC – September 2010

P600 – SSS – January 2011

Suma total, ang obligations ko monthly sa mga financial institutions ay nasa P7600.

Other Debts:

Utol - P4500
Girl friend A – P1200*
Girl friend A – P1200*
Lupa – P7000

*Sabi ko sa December ko na lang babayaran at magiisang taon na ito hahaha. Sarap ng may kaibigan na pwedeng abusuhin. Joke lang.

Sa pag-iimplement ko ng Overhaul MegaProject, nakapag-open din ako ng savings account sa GE Money Bank.

Status Report:

Ngayong tapos na ang MegaOverhaul Project, ilalabas ko na din ang failures nito.

Dapat ay mag-oopen ako ng dalawang savings account at magseset-up ako ng vanity fund, pero due to circumstances at lack ng self-discipline ay hindi ko ito nagawa.

Ang savings na nabanggit ko ay balak ko sana na mag-ipon para makapag-aral o ma-aacumulate ng enough money para mag-invest or major travel. The other savings is reserved naman as emergency funding, lalo na para sa magulang ko.

Ang vanity fund naman is a kind of reserved fund na kahit papaano, hindi ko mararamdaman na tinitipid ko ang sarili ko. Ito ang  gagamitin ko sa mga simpleng leisure and shopping na naka-budget lang.

Nais ko din sana kumuha ng life insurance pero hindi rin ito nag-materialize.

Medyo magastos pa din ako at ang detailed planning ko na nakasulat sa diary ko ay hindi natupad.

May isa pa akong di kagandahang balita. Ang initial funds sa GE Money Bank ay medyo nag-dwindle na.

Tapos ang pera ko sa kooperatiba dito sa opisina ay nagalaw ko na. Kasi kailangan ko magrenew ng memebership sa gym. Naniniwala ako na health is wealth at lagi akong kandiddato sa mga lung ailments e.g. bronchitis at asthma.

Analysis:

Kung ano ang naging success ng Project MegaOverhaul ay sya naman pagbagsak din ng mga na-achieve ng matapos ito dahil sa aking kapabayaan.

Solution: Project Envision

I’ll be implementing another financial overhaul project at tatawagin ito na Project Envision.

It will starts September 2009 and it will ends December 2010.

Ang goals ng Project Envision is:

- Mamaintain lang ang progress sa pagbabayad ko ng loans. To keep them on track and on schedule.

- Mabayaran ko na ang 2400 na utang ko sa dalawa ko na barkada hehehe at 4500 sa aking kapatid. Pati na rin ang kulang ko na 7000 na pambayad sa lupa.

- Maipatuloy ang paghuhulog ko sa GE Money Bank for emergency.

- Makapagset-up ng ikalawang savings account para panahon na dapat ako mag-aral.

- Ituloy ang vanity fund.

- Kumuha ng life insurance.

- Makabili ng laptop ng di ginagamit ang credit card.

Hindi ko na i-boblog ang detailed plan.. Ii-streamline ko pa ang mga ito para maging maayos at hindi mag-cause ng pressure sa akin, lalo na sa social at love life ko, na pareho yata akong wala hahaha.

Anyway, ang Project Envision ay para talaga makabili ako ng laptop. Nye he he

Bakit? Mahalaga kasing mailipat ko na ang pinagsusulat ko na nobela mula long hand (gamit ang lapis at papel) papunta sa computer. Sa tingin ko naman it will be a good investment in my pursuit of creativity.

Having a neat, flexible and practical financial battle plan that could almost work on its own, will free me of psychological burden that cause by lack of control when it comes to money.

I always believe in abundance still and not just money. I aim to focus more on enjoying the small and big things that matters to me to the fullest with the limited resources I have for now, that I may live every second as if my last one. 

inalienable responsibility

The summit of world richest nations to fix the global economy in the United Kingdom last April 2009, brought multitude of activists to the streets of London. The number of people rallying against the excesses of capitalism organized themselves neatly, making sure their voices heard.

One of the placards I’ve seen on the cable news said, Democracy Ends after You Cast Your Ballot.

There is an appealing candour in this line, especially now our country has less than of a year to change leadership.

In the Presidential election of 2004, I choose for Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. So I voted for her.

It might be unfair to Fernando Poe Jr. but politics was a dog-eats-dog game, personally I don’t want a movie actor running a country. I do like his movies kasi.

Voting for and experiencing the management skills Mrs. Arroyo demonstrated, I am not really satisfied, nothing has changed.

Overwhelming it may seem but Democracy is really at the moment you cast your ballot and choose a leader. We choose leader out of the emotional appeal, about the perceived benefits, not out of his or her human features as a leader, soon logic will catch upon us and realize that the perceived benefits is not the way it was advertised or sales talked before. It was a sad situation if you ask me. Is this something to do also with my pursuit of happiness?

Please go on reading.

For most of us, Democracy means freedom, but however most modern ideologies promote freedom and the innate, unalienable rights of men to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

Maybe, just maybe, I have a wrong definition of pursuit of happiness. Next time I vote, I must think of my right to pursuit of happiness.

But I feel sad, because, our leaders are human beings too, hybrid of irrationality and wickedness, offspring of desires and limitations. Their decisions, their accords are theirs alone. I wonder if they also think of “pursuit of happiness.”

Maybe.

But there is such a line like for the common good.

Well for one, we see and hear on the news, presidents going abroad, and luring foreign investors to set up their businesses here. It is a simple medicine that works. Give Filipinos jobs, they will earn money and soon they will be happy. They can go places and buy stuff, send their sons and daughters to schools, etc.

We also pray tributes to our Filipino expats, I think recognizing them as engine of growth of our economy is as just and as fair. We even encourage our fellows to go abroad, it is the same medicine that works, if Filipinos earn money abroad, and soon they will be happy. They can go places and buy stuff, send their sons and daughters to schools, etc.

Our pursuit of happiness, as a right, is not a license for any politician or capitalist to make us feel stupid.

Thriving in corruption, we contracts debts to our children. But is it corruption that is really the culprit? Or is it really our leaders the problem?

Or is it really democracy that fails us? And the excesses of capitalism, are they real abuser of our nation?

I guess none of the above.

Becasue it is my and your lack of love for this country that always brought us to our knees.

And we cannot blame history, what is bygone is bygone; all we can do is identify the dynamics that contribute to our current self-image, and make intelligent use of the things we’ve learned…that our pursuit for happiness is also our pursuit for patriotic identity.

breaking the argunn code

It looks like I’m confused too with my own tags, kaya heto, I took time to lecture myself on how to catalogue my entries.

Tags are the little words we used so it would be easy to find similar topics or entries inside our blogs.

In my case, I got two considerations: first, to classify it according to literature and second, to sort my blogs based on initial impression it has on me.

Argunn’s Library of Congress

This is my own enumeration of resources for my blog, since I am writer in his own right. Lol.^_^

The following indicates my contribution to men’s pursuit of creativeness.

i say
one-liner
essay
novel treatment
poem
short story
photo
missive

Most of these are very self-explanatory, but I’ll explain the reverence of quote and liner tags.

I say tag will be placed on entries when I’m feeling very sage like, or if I feel very proverbial and start dreaming of a monument made of steel be cast after my image. Think Statue of Liberty.

I say could come from old entries where I find a portion of my work quotable, or it could be words I heard from friends or people, that is funny, witty or shocking.

One-liners are anything (except those define by quote) that could be fit in inside a single sentence to a whole paragraph.

Breaking the Argunn Code

When I say emotional attachment, I don’t mean ka-emohan, but rather the impression I left after I scribbled my own words. The following are the tags, that will help to deconstruct that impression.

fiction
dailies
first imagination then

fraction illustrated
greeting cards for no one

life grab
life unfolds

bubble gums
talk on corners

line grab
lyric grab
photo grab

Fiction is a fundamental tag. A very important label particularly if I’m writing a imaginary short stories & missives in a first person point of view. Especially now, people are very good in extrapolating, profiling, introspection (yes readers na ang bahala mag-introspect para sa author), speculation, madam auringation hehe, and blackmail with accurate results. = )

Dailies are simply journal entries, personal rants and raves, that don’t have to be explained in a grand manner like in an essay. It could run from anything that is awe inspiring to the absolutely boring. What is important, it just narrates EVERYDAY life.

First imagination then are ideas that play on my mind and somehow I’m aware could be acted upon. It includes but not limited to dreams, desires and aspiration put into words. What if’s, I wish, and maybes.

Fraction-illustrated is how I romanticize life’s aspects, every so often surreal or poetic, sometimes hunting. The tone it suggests could be very blatant to totally obscure.

Greeting-cards-for-no-one well uhmm solely about the L word. Eeeeh. Lol! This is where I will preserve the L word. This is actually a fraction-illustrated offspring but I decided to separate it from the family. L word is larger than life.

Life grab—these are stories I am trying to immortalized with words. Something I heard, read, witnessed or partly it involved me. Very subjective. Lucky if I could write it objectively, but then why not hehe.

Life unfolds are like life grab that tags about the experiences, the urgency and changes that life presented before my very eyes with pre-emptive judgment. Or it could be like walang kwenta na topic pero kinuwento in super drama special.

Bubble gums dwell on the crazy funny stuff I think amusing to share.

Unlike one liner or quote, talk on corners is like a complete or short transcript of a conversation I’ve had or heard.

The last three are about grabs: line, photo, and lyric.

Line grabs are quotes, phrases and proverbs from other people e.g. authors, philosophers, celebrities, etc that I quoted in verbatim or paraphrased.

Photo grabs are pictures taken from public domain.

Lyric grabs are lyrics I took from the public domain.

I think that would be all. But these are the major tags, maybe as I move beyond, who knows I might add more.

Cheers!

the life that is for rent

It is a compelling thought but the moment it enters my psyche it convinces me it can be done. The possibility of acquiring HIV increases every moment I press the texts on the keyboard. But a need is a need.

After three days since my account was created and a banner shout out declaring I am very open to sex, messages came pouring in.

This is what cynicism gave me after short years of trying. Short years but looks like I had my share already in the cat and mouse game of intimacy. The reason is lack of self image and personal stability during rough times, and not lack of perfect partners.

This hunt I’m in is not an ego thing for me or to test my social proof in a carnivore infested world. Though this lifestyle I choose and learned to love so well is nothing but an ego and power play but not to some people, especially me. But no matter how I deny it, the ego thing is a factor. But let me say, probably, I am romancing my carnal desire, it’s more practical than forevers and I love yous.

I open the first letter on my inbox; he was the first among the 13 guys who like to be my fuck buddy. Wow!

Yes I am looking for a fuck buddy. It is something I never tried before, and maybe will never try if I let this moment pass. Testosterone could be so demanding sometimes.

The world is rule by sperm cells.

My experience told me, and the skills I acquired from other PLUs, all you need is a little art of seduction. Kunyari a visual taste of my confidence and worth, when in fact, release is all I want. To hell with confidence.

“Hey I got a place. 091761***** —”

It was everything the message contains. It was from coolesthotguy86. (The guy is fucking handsome, and the poses in his photo? oohh, damn heavenly even with shirt on!)

It took me quite a time before I replied to coolesthotguy86, I shake myself off and proceed to the next message but I can’t get my eyes off coolesthotguy86.

I click on reply, gave my number, and waited.

I also sent out my reply to five more people who welcomed the idea of fuck buddies. I also crawled the “who’s online” section and contacted at least 5 more people. Then I wait.

As I sit here in front of the monitor, my face that is young, a few lines that merges when I laugh or frown, wait or waiting is the operative word for my life that is now, for rent. 

But for how long?

Biodegradable but Default

Cotton USA had this tv commercial wherein it narrates the following lines:

No one knows the real me.
Or touches me…the way you do

With the exemption of the last four words, the commercial seems to fit me.

Seems no one knows the real me too. Sometimes even I find it strange if I cannot recognize who am I.

I know it kinda sounds crazy, and noooo, this is ain’t the part I’ll sing Reflections by Christina Aguilera or Girl in the Mirror by Britney Spears.

-

Not so long ago, I broke up with Paulo, my boyfriend of two weeks. There were no actual words of breaking up, but phrases and actions, especially on my side, indicate I wanted one—and I wanted one real fast.

When my ex, Paulo, confronted me about the situation, I bet he was really confused. He was crying, angry about me and I could see he was also angry with himself.

I felt sorry for the way I acted and the way I fell out of love. There was no any other way to put it, but I abandoned him, just like that.

Looking back, all the words I said to him during the shaky moments of our relationship were indeed confusing and done in a hurry.

I am reckless, it is a fact. SA, Will, JT and some names I can no longer recall were victim of my impulsiveness.

I have no intention of hurting them.

Paulo said, “alam ko ang mga sinasabi ko sa iyo ngayon ay wala lang sa iyo, dahil hindi ka nga pala nakakaramdam ng guilt? anong klase ka?”

“Pinagsisihan ko ang araw na tinext kita at niyaya kita?”

The rest of his words I cannot remember.

 
-

It’s July 4 now, and I was looking back at the things that happened last June.

Before my short relationship with Paulo, my friend Kiwi, was trying to profile me, wondering why I behave the way I do.

He feared the words I used to explain myself specifically the line hindi ako marunong magsisi.

He worry that I could be a juggernaut once I ran out of control.

Correcting me, Kiwi remarked, maybe that I am a person who takes risks and not necessarily someone who is not acquainted with regret.

Then I told Paulo I didn’t’t feel a sense of guilt over what I was doing, I tried to say I am saving him from myself and saving myself against myself too.

Some people may not agree with me, but I have to be cruel to be kind. Because Paulo is the younger one and the abandoned one. On the other hand I, being 28 now and claiming to be mature, should have known better.

When I shared Paulo my ultimate sentiments: Hindi ikaw ang kailangan ko.

Then he clamored, pinaasa mo lang ako. Ang sama mo.

That one left me speechless.

When he said, naiinggit ako kay DC.

I felt I made him so insecure.

When he said, masahol pa ako kina P etc.. (dahil nga hindi ako marunong daw makaramdam ng guilt)

I caused him a very sad experience, for anyone to bear.

He delivered the lines that should have been told me by all the people I deliberately inflicted pain with.

I know am not the one he needs. Paulo is kind, a loving son; he is sweet, and handsome.

Siguro sa dami ng sinabi ko wala syang naintindihan. It’s my mistake, ang daldal ko kasi.

But I don’t feel guilty because I deliberately tried to make them or him fall for me.

People may see I am playing games with hearts, crashing and burning souls, but I am not.

I hope people understand (but it is their option not to understand me because I lack one too) that I don’t feel regret for what I’ve done—I mean the good things I did, because I really felt true doing that—to make efforts for them because I never believe in permanency of things. I am not having great expectations but just being a good boyfriend.

I tried to show affection to Paulo as if it was my last days on Earth.

But I won’t say sorry if I am not able to completely move on with the past I am trying to figure out and resentment I am trying to pacify.

It is also come as a surprise even to me.
 

-

This stuff I have written is not because I am explaining my shit. I have admitted what Paulo claimed are all true. Lahat ng sinabi niya ay tama. Writing this is a reminded for me and to be able contest in the future everything I am standing for presently.

I have broken myself before and I don’t really want to break hearts too. But I always did. Sigh. I know how it feels being left behind and clueless.

But I won’t say sorry if I am not able to completely move on with the past I am trying to figure out again and resentment I am trying to pacify, and now the reality of my impulsiveness added to my complications.

The consequences of being reckless are clear to me: I might find myself alone and lonely.

It’s for me alone to deal with.

But then the fact remains, maybe I am sincere and all, but I haven’t given my ex the respect and attention due to him.

The story is not always about me, but my ex- has to realize too it is not always about him too.

Sorry if I can’t show remorse, and guilt feelings. I maybe reckless but I never pretend of who I am.

-

Paulo and I had a good start, but the tremor was first felt after he told me to join him and eat around 9:00 Monday evening, almost two weeks ago.

When I felt differently, annoyance to be exact, sa kanyang pagyayang lumabas. Hindi ko inaasahan na maalala ko si DC, minsan isang gabi, nagtext din siya sa akin, hindi na kami, pero nagpapasundo sya sa akin dahil di niya alam paano pumunta sa kanyang Mom na nakatira malapit sa amin. Si Paulo, he was being nice and just expressing how he was missing me much, pero mas concern ako sa nararamdaman ko that night.

I hastily considered having a cool off with him the next morning. The feeling of annoyance came as a suprise. I remember clearly DC’s face when we arrived at his mothers house. He just said his thanks to me. The rest of the days that follow was history. Pinangako ko kasi na hindi ko na ito i-didiscuss. (Including this shit.)

Maybe this was the part Paulo didn’t get, how come I didn’t give him second chance or all the time he needs to understand things. I remember telling him, that we will try to make things work. And there I was suddenly, having a stand-off. I don’t know.

But I have to do what I think I have to do; I did it the only way possible—even if may sound unreasonable and senseless. But it is true. If I am going to hurt him, I had to do it quickly.