Biodegradable but Default
Saturday, July 4th, 2009
Cotton USA had this tv commercial wherein it narrates the following lines:
No one knows the real me.
Or touches me…the way you do
With the exemption of the last four words, the commercial seems to fit me.
Seems no one knows the real me too. Sometimes even I find it strange if I cannot recognize who am I.
I know it kinda sounds crazy, and noooo, this is ain’t the part I’ll sing Reflections by Christina Aguilera or Girl in the Mirror by Britney Spears.
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Not so long ago, I broke up with Paulo, my boyfriend of two weeks. There were no actual words of breaking up, but phrases and actions, especially on my side, indicate I wanted one—and I wanted one real fast.
When my ex, Paulo, confronted me about the situation, I bet he was really confused. He was crying, angry about me and I could see he was also angry with himself.
I felt sorry for the way I acted and the way I fell out of love. There was no any other way to put it, but I abandoned him, just like that.
Looking back, all the words I said to him during the shaky moments of our relationship were indeed confusing and done in a hurry.
I am reckless, it is a fact. SA, Will, JT and some names I can no longer recall were victim of my impulsiveness.
I have no intention of hurting them.
Paulo said, “alam ko ang mga sinasabi ko sa iyo ngayon ay wala lang sa iyo, dahil hindi ka nga pala nakakaramdam ng guilt? anong klase ka?”
“Pinagsisihan ko ang araw na tinext kita at niyaya kita?”
The rest of his words I cannot remember.
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It’s July 4 now, and I was looking back at the things that happened last June.
Before my short relationship with Paulo, my friend Kiwi, was trying to profile me, wondering why I behave the way I do.
He feared the words I used to explain myself specifically the line hindi ako marunong magsisi.
He worry that I could be a juggernaut once I ran out of control.
Correcting me, Kiwi remarked, maybe that I am a person who takes risks and not necessarily someone who is not acquainted with regret.
Then I told Paulo I didn’t’t feel a sense of guilt over what I was doing, I tried to say I am saving him from myself and saving myself against myself too.
Some people may not agree with me, but I have to be cruel to be kind. Because Paulo is the younger one and the abandoned one. On the other hand I, being 28 now and claiming to be mature, should have known better.
When I shared Paulo my ultimate sentiments: Hindi ikaw ang kailangan ko.
Then he clamored, pinaasa mo lang ako. Ang sama mo.
That one left me speechless.
When he said, naiinggit ako kay DC.
I felt I made him so insecure.
When he said, masahol pa ako kina P etc.. (dahil nga hindi ako marunong daw makaramdam ng guilt)
I caused him a very sad experience, for anyone to bear.
He delivered the lines that should have been told me by all the people I deliberately inflicted pain with.
I know am not the one he needs. Paulo is kind, a loving son; he is sweet, and handsome.
Siguro sa dami ng sinabi ko wala syang naintindihan. It’s my mistake, ang daldal ko kasi.
But I don’t feel guilty because I deliberately tried to make them or him fall for me.
People may see I am playing games with hearts, crashing and burning souls, but I am not.
I hope people understand (but it is their option not to understand me because I lack one too) that I don’t feel regret for what I’ve done—I mean the good things I did, because I really felt true doing that—to make efforts for them because I never believe in permanency of things. I am not having great expectations but just being a good boyfriend.
I tried to show affection to Paulo as if it was my last days on Earth.
But I won’t say sorry if I am not able to completely move on with the past I am trying to figure out and resentment I am trying to pacify.
It is also come as a surprise even to me.
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This stuff I have written is not because I am explaining my shit. I have admitted what Paulo claimed are all true. Lahat ng sinabi niya ay tama. Writing this is a reminded for me and to be able contest in the future everything I am standing for presently.
I have broken myself before and I don’t really want to break hearts too. But I always did. Sigh. I know how it feels being left behind and clueless.
But I won’t say sorry if I am not able to completely move on with the past I am trying to figure out again and resentment I am trying to pacify, and now the reality of my impulsiveness added to my complications.
The consequences of being reckless are clear to me: I might find myself alone and lonely.
It’s for me alone to deal with.
But then the fact remains, maybe I am sincere and all, but I haven’t given my ex the respect and attention due to him.
The story is not always about me, but my ex- has to realize too it is not always about him too.
Sorry if I can’t show remorse, and guilt feelings. I maybe reckless but I never pretend of who I am.
-
Paulo and I had a good start, but the tremor was first felt after he told me to join him and eat around 9:00 Monday evening, almost two weeks ago.
When I felt differently, annoyance to be exact, sa kanyang pagyayang lumabas. Hindi ko inaasahan na maalala ko si DC, minsan isang gabi, nagtext din siya sa akin, hindi na kami, pero nagpapasundo sya sa akin dahil di niya alam paano pumunta sa kanyang Mom na nakatira malapit sa amin. Si Paulo, he was being nice and just expressing how he was missing me much, pero mas concern ako sa nararamdaman ko that night.
I hastily considered having a cool off with him the next morning. The feeling of annoyance came as a suprise. I remember clearly DC’s face when we arrived at his mothers house. He just said his thanks to me. The rest of the days that follow was history. Pinangako ko kasi na hindi ko na ito i-didiscuss. (Including this shit.)
Maybe this was the part Paulo didn’t get, how come I didn’t give him second chance or all the time he needs to understand things. I remember telling him, that we will try to make things work. And there I was suddenly, having a stand-off. I don’t know.
But I have to do what I think I have to do; I did it the only way possible—even if may sound unreasonable and senseless. But it is true. If I am going to hurt him, I had to do it quickly.
