driven

When I was about to enter college, I was leaning to pursue a pre-law course. A degree in psychology also appealed to me. However buildings and bridges belonged too to my interest.

My father always wanted a son for a lawyer, he might not told me but one could feel it. That’s why I took engineering.

There was a quiet issue between us back then, so I grabbed the bachelors that dealt with calculus, water resources and foundation designs.

Six years after getting my professional license, I wasn’t down somewhere in the province making sure macadam pavements be laid properly or in foreign shores managing pipelines. I don’t even end up designing trusses, rail beam reinforcements or storm drainage systems. I end up as a technical officer assisting people who have the same degree as mine.

The only consolation that keeps me grounded was the fact that I work for a company, which got almost half of the world’s major engineering projects.  I was lucky too because the company offers steps in terms of career development or even a shift in different fields like geology if I choose too. But it doesn’t give me the kick.

It seems my constant credo for working is that it pays the rent. It is. A practical reasoning, but it’s a flag of my independence declared a few years back.

It might sound I am ranting about the frailty of my decision. Generally I’m happy.

It makes me sometimes unsure of yourself though to find some people of my age financially successful or is an advanced stage of their careers. Like this IU, a blogger, I wished I have his drive and propelled myself in the corporate ladder.

Of course I started counting my days, I started enumerating dreams that should have been achieved. I’m 28, I’m no longer young. Funny, my common advice I solicit to friends and stranger alike doesn’t usually in operation when comes to me. I say to them, go as far as you can see and when you get there, you’ll see farther.

Why am I like this? Maybe because my family is not success oriented or driven. I read in order to know yourself better, you have to know the family history. How your father was raised or how your lola dealt with people. As far as this argument is concern, it is true we are not success oriented. My ate who finished and was a registered nurse was a homemaker. My next to the eldest sister or ditse, a grad of chemical engineering was also a housewife. My youngest sister (whom I was next to, a marketing graduate), she was at home, ain’t working for ages. My father since I was born didn’t have a job like most fathers but instead played the role as a househusband patriach. My nanay sew clothes and dresses. Her earnings feeds the family ever since.

Our values and set of morals also affects our decision. I for one is really afraid of having too much money, making decisions for other people and I hate expectations. Thus explain why I didn’t took a pre-law course.

Some people will call it pride.

So, is this a life live well?

I am now in another angle viewing myself, unfortunately, I don’t think so. =(

karete

para sa panahon na hindi na darating
para sa ala-ala na ayaw mo nang angkinin
mga kahilingan na hindi ko maiwasto
bakit ang dibuho ng buhay na ito biglang nagbago

kamusta kamusta
bakit muli mo itong sinasabi
ngayong dapit hapon na sa kwento natin dalawa
 
paalam paalam
ang iyong paalam maghapon namutawi
sa haligi ng pag-ibig na nawalan ng silbi

para sa panahon na baka sakaling dumating
para sa mga ala-ala na akin pala sa huli
mga kahilingan higit pa sa pangarap
bakit ang mga hibla ng buhay
hindi na maibabalik

*finally a poem after the longest time. written today (December 16, 2009). 4:42 PM Makati City