chip

I got a new crush. He is sparkling and mysterious.

His name is Chip.

He borders between naïve and what you called sexy. But hey I don’t hear the cats meowing for him.

He is admirable. No he is more than admirable, he is disarmingly addictive.

And I am enjoying what I am feeling for him.

But I’m afraid because a part of me started to stalk him, a part of me wonders why he didn’t reply, a part of me stares too long on his lovely face when is around.

Ohh if you could only see him, the way he beams, those small gestures his lips paint on his face and eyes that vanish when he laughs.

There are times I like to flirt with him, but then…a screaming NO. Hindi pwede eh.

Now I feel I am a sailboat near the storm front.

This feeling I have right now, I thought I lost it. I thought I was cynical and I really thought I have evolved into something scary.

But having known Chip is a refreshing realization. Yes, he is a refreshing companion.

But I cannot make my move on Chip, because the timing is improper.

Two nights ago, I break down actually because I am guilt stricken. Maybe I don’t deserve this good feeling I feel lately. I’m all messed up. But this thing I have for Chip was something I’ve felt a long time ago with Mandy or Shin when I first saw them, alam mo yun, the kind of high I am willing to succumb to. (I also fell for Haifa and KB, but not just as intense but whether you would believe me or not, I loved them with what I know. But I don’t asked you to believe me. I’m not altogether bad when were together but it was the way I let go and say goodbye that they will remember the most. My bad. =(

But I am moving on and I know I will get by. It may not be that easy but I hope those I’ve hurt  will be able to forgive me and hopefully forget what I’ve done.

Embarassing though but I have to admit I’m angry with myself. I’m also seeking reason on how to forgive myself. There are times I like to scream because I can’t contain my resentment and it’s affecting my normal way of life.

Sigh.

But anyhow, Chip made me realize without him knowing of course that he helped me to send me back where I was before.

I’m already out of the storm, but I’m still beside it. I hope the ‘drama addict’ in me will be able to hold onto himself and help me sail on the shore.

Hey Chip, in time I’ll made this journal public, and when that time comes, I like you know I want to ask you out. You’re clumsy and those stupid facial expression you made.. hay it drives me crazy. Every time I look into your eyes, you’ve already cost me one sleepless night at inaabangan ko ang twitter updates mo at kung may reply ka. Ewan, lakas tama eh.

Yun nga, di ako makaporma, una kasi komplikado ang buhay mo for sure. Pangalawa, takot ako. Takot ako mabasted at makarma. Takot ako sa sasabihin ng mga tao, at takot ako na baka kung sumugod ulet ako sa bagyo. Ikatlo, may common friends na tayo at ayoko mawala ang bond natin bilang magkakatropa. Ikapaapat aware ako na may gusto sa iyo ang ex ko at alam ko nagdate na kayo. =) Ikalima, nireresolba ko muna ang mga issues ko para just in case na single ka pa in time na ready na ako, liligawan kita. Pero ayoko naman i-pre-empt ang mga bagay-bagay. Susuportahan kita kung saan ka masaya at for sure malalaman ko din ang para sa akin pagdating ng panahon. Pang-anim chinito ka eh, may trauma na ako sa mga chinito…hehe. at pang 7 ay tyak di mo ako magugustuhan..ewan feeling ko lang hahaha.

Hay Chip kung alam mo lang kung gaano ka ka-disarming ang ngiti mo. Sayang muntik ng tumama ang fearless prediction nang Pharmacist na in the next month daw ay magkakaroroon ulet ako ng bagong complication. Tama andun ka nga ng sinabi nya yun.

Pangatlong beses pa lang yata kita nakakasama noon ng sinabi ng Pharmacist yun. At di pa kita gusto nun.

Pero ng nagvolunteer ka na magbigay ng dugo sa kaopisina ko, wow!

Since then things went upside down. Nang marealize ko na gusto kita at hindi naman kita pwedeng kilalanin ng higit pa, nasaktan ako. Naalala ko sina Vouz at Haifa, mas nanaisin ko muna na sumaya sila at makalimot kesa ako ang unang makalimot ng mga nangyari dahil masaya na ako.

Masaya ako nakilala kita kasi, hindi pa pala ako ganun ka-cynical talaga pagdating sa love.

Today is January 29, 2010. Kahit di ko masabi na gusto kita, sasabihin ko naging masaya ako ng mga panahon na kasama kita at enough na yun, ang makaramdam ng pagtangi sa yo.

I wish you the best in life Chip.